Here’s to the times I almost walked away:
I could no longer tell what was a passion or practiced and it ate slowly at me each and every
I could no longer see who I was as a woman, a Black woman, a Black woman who was considered a leader
I could not see the sunshine on a cloudy day or show my love to those who helped me change my ways
I was lost. I was broken. I was confused.
I was no longer the strong girl from Atlanta’s Zone 4 that could tell you what she stood for and what made her yell
I was alone.
I was alone in my own thoughts, pressured by perfection and the need to just be seen
I was dying to finally be recognized.
I figured that being the “about her business” Black girl who white people think does not exist would change how people perceived me.
But I was wrong.
I was wrong because the light the people used to see surrounding me was only controlled by me
And the struggles I had deep within were making the light so dim that people could not see who I was
They only saw what I used to be.
So here’s to the times where I almost walked away.
Here’s to the times that I felt so alone
The times when I felt like everything fell upon my shoulders
I figured I had to be the next Black Superwoman, but oh how I was mistaken
See everyone wants to be a hero, but nobody knows the struggles it brings
They see the accolades, the love, the girls who looked up to me
But I was a broken mess on the inside because the pressure stated to get to me
The pressure came from my want to change the world, but be the best student I could be
I wanted to make my name known, but what would the essential costs be?
I opened my heart to world full of doubt and the unknown
but I failed to realize that being so vulnerable could leave me so cold
It took me a while to find the person I was
My identity was locked up in a the cold, dim-light cell of perception
I was struggling to set myself free, but in the distance, that meant I would lose the person that I thought was meant for me.
But I was wrong.
I was withholding my identity for someone who later down the line would become a distant memory
I would learn to appreciate the lessons taught and the memories that used to be
But I was found
So here’s to the times that I felt so alone
The times that made me realize what truly made me whole
So here’s to the future.
Here’s to the moments of loving wholeheartedly and not being afraid to love every ounce of me
Not being afraid of what could be, but appreciating what is while preparing for the what will
Here’s to the “thank you” and “congratulations” that may come my way, but also the “unfortunately, we do not want you” letters and emails
Here’s to understanding that the “W” I want is tucked behind the “L” I was once too scared to take
Here’s to loving the best way I know how and understanding that I am not in control of everything
Here’s to embracing the mishaps and misfortunes and letting me depend on the strengths of others
Here’s to opening my heart, not to foolishness, but to new leaps and bounds that will shape me as a woman
Knowing that every “no” means next opportunity and every chance is not for me to take.
I say this all to say: Goodbye 20.
You were the year I found out how I loved and wanted to be loved.
You pushed me to brink by making me bend but never break
You opened my eyes to my own faults, but taught me how to support the growth of others
You taught me that there are people who genuinely want to see me win and sometimes every thing is not an end
You pulled me into the path of my purpose and brought me closer to God in ways that I would never had imagined.
You taught me how to be free.
You tugged at the hem of my conscience and provoked the fire within the pit of my spirit
You toyed with the thoughts of complacency but pushed them away with a the strongest force known to man
You tumbled the arrogance out of my soul and flipped over the moments of unclarity
You humbled me. You molded me. You helped me grow
So goodbye 20.
Here’s to 21!